How To Deal With Hurtful Words and Criticism
We have all experienced it. We hear through the grapevine that someone has said something negative about us, or they say something to our face that is less than complimentary, and we just can’t forget about it.
This person could be a close friend or just an acquaintance. It could be a co-worker, boss, or employee. It could even be our spouse. Sometimes the source surprises us, but other times, we have come to expect this kind of talk from them. No matter where the comments come from, they can still hurt, a lot…
The emotions and thoughts that swirl around us can become overwhelming.
“Is that how everyone sees me?”
“Am I really like that?”
“How could they talk that away about me?!”
“That’s not true at all.”
“Maybe they are right.”
When we find ourselves at the receiving end of criticism, the only choice we have is how to process it and respond. Whether we like it or not, we WILL have people talk bad about us and to us, and maybe that’s not such a bad thing. Here are a few things that I have found helpful to remember when I feel attacked by the words of others.
We Have All Said Negative Things About Others
Let’s be honest, we all have opinions about everything, and often time our opinions are critical of others, even if we don’t think of it that way. Our idea about how something could be better, is also an idea about how we wish someone would do something differently. Everyone “vents” occasionally about what someone does or how they do it, and then you feel better and realize maybe it isn’t that bad.
I like the advice the Bible gives…
Ecclesiastes 7:21-22
“Do not pay attention to every word people say, or you may hear your servant cursing you, for you know in your heart that many times you yourself have cursed others.”
While I do my best to avoid cursing others(and I hope you do to), this advice gives us a little perspective. Don’t worry too much about what others say because we’ve all said stuff we shouldn’t say! This leads to the next point.
They Aren’t Perfect
Sometimes, someone can say something to you or about you that is totally out of line.
Maybe they were angry or having a bad day.
Maybe they misunderstood you or you really hurt them.
Maybe they are just a jerk.
Whatever the case is, you don’t have to let the imperfect words of imperfect people define you. Sometimes we have to swallow our pride, bite our tongue, and forgive them. There are times where we must humbly address someone’s behavior and let them know how we feel about it. Other times we have to establish healthy boundaries to help us navigate through our relationships with them. No one is perfect, but that’s no excuse for putting up with consistent verbal abuse.
The key when working with imperfect people(i.e. everyone) is to strive to err on the side of grace. Grace doesn’t condone bad behavior, but it truly seeks the other person’s good, even when their behavior doesn’t merit it. God has extended so much grace to me that I can’t help but extend grace to others. After all, it’s what I would want them to do to me, because not only are other people not perfect…
I’m Not Perfect Either
It’s hard to take a good look in the mirror sometimes. The hard truth is this. If I find myself in constant conflict, and a lot of people are saying bad things about me, the problem might be me! I can’t count the number of times I have hurt someone and didn’t even realize what I did. I’m so thankful for the people that have had the courage to let me know how I hurt them, because I know for the ones that let me know, there are probably many other that will never tell me I sounded like a jerk. Now, don’t misunderstand, it never feels good in the moment to have someone criticize you. My first reaction is naturally going to be defensive or deflective, but the truth is, the criticism that hurts the worst is the criticism I think might be true.
When we feel hurt by the words of others, it is always best to take a deep breath and try to get some perspective before we lash out defensively or harden our hearts towards that person. Perhaps there is a kernel of truth that you need to consider, even if the delivery wasn’t very smooth.
But even if the criticism wasn’t really fair, remember…
Opinions Aren’t Permanent
Feeling misunderstood is one of the most frustrating experiences we have in our relationships. After all, no one understands our intentions like we do. They just see our actions from their viewpoint, and draw conclusions. The good thing is that “first” impressions don’t have to be “only” impressions. Maybe it’s just me, but I’ve been wrong about people! I have assumed someone to be a certain way and then found out that it was only my perception. I’ve also encountered people that have grown and changed over the time I have known them, and the criticism I once had towards them no longer applies because they are different people.
Just because someone has a negative opinion about you doesn’t mean that will always be the case. Opinions aren’t permanent, and I’m glad about that! If someone has lied about you, or spoken critically in an unjust manner, the best thing you can do is believe that the truth will come out. Be the kind of person that you want people to believe you are, and let your life speak for itself. Your actions will always speak louder than someone else’s words.
And finally, I’m thankful that even when I feel attacked or hurt by others…
God Uses Everything
These may be familiar words, but it doesn’t make them any less true.
Proverbs 27:17
“As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.”
God uses all kinds of people and all kinds of words in our lives to sharpen us. What does it mean to be sharpened? Just like a dull knife is made more useful by sharpening, we are made more useful by our interactions with others. Just as a dull knife can not do what it was designed to do, we won’t fulfill our purpose without the “sharpening” that occurs through other people.
When people hurt you with their words, don’t forget that God is still at work in your life. He doesn’t work in spite of people and their imperfect words, He works through those very words to develop your character, and ultimately to make you more like Jesus.
1 Peter 2:23
When they hurled their insults at him, he did not retaliate; when he suffered, he made no threats. Instead, he entrusted himself to him who judges justly.
God may be teaching you to forgive, or to be patient, or to be more understanding. He may be showing you something in yourself you haven’t seen before. He may be using you to demonstrate his love towards someone who doesn’t deserve it. Whatever His plan is, we can be sure that He is at work.
So the next time someone says something bad about you, don’t let it throw you off course. Remember…
Sometimes you are the one saying something negative,
They aren’t perfect,
You aren’t perfect(and might need to be reminded),
Their opinions aren’t permanent,
and God is still at work, in their life, in your life, no matter what they said.
Stephen Rose 